Lesson 2. You'll be surprised at how much you get when you ask. You'll be thrilled, thankful, and moved to tears, all at the same time at the generosity of fellow bloggers with their opinions and thoughts;
Lesson 3. You CAN get counsel from people you haven't actually met. People who meant well and are so sincere and forthcoming with their advice.
That's all good to know. Thank you.
Here's the summary of your thoughts and suggestions, in no particular order, and some further comments on them:
- The situation will be awkward, unless both feel or want the same: It will be awkward in this case - the suggestion to continue staying together is only from one party - the modern one. The other party, being traditional, hates the idea, and has been giving ultimatum like either they go back to normal or split.
- Can try if there's a problem with finance. But may not last if third party appears: Money not a problem. Third party will surely appear. Both actually caused the problem to begin with.
- Sad way to live: I agree
- Sin? : As they are still married they commit no sin even if they continue with sexual relation. But that's not going to happen in this case. No worry of sinful activities. In fact the husband is never closer to God, as he tries to find meaning in this, and ask for His forgiveness every passing day and night for the pain he might have caused the wife. The real danger is in either spouse being involved in another relationship before this is settled.
- Toxic. Yes.
- Too much old memories and baggage: more memories, really sweet ones, than baggage. They are preventing the 'easy way out' option. Thirty five years of love, of happy and sad moments together, of enduring friendship, cannot be just ended at the spur of an angry moment. It would be real sad if that had happened.
- Cannot imagine living in the same house with a person who doesn't love you. Agreed. But what is the alternative?
- Give each other space? Acres of it already. All the freedom to pursue individual interests. This was necessary as husband and wife were way beyond being from Mars and Venus. There are perhaps no other couple on this planet as different from one another as them. The amazing thing was their characters were in many ways complementary. They found strengths in each other's weaknesses. They had always focussed on one another's positive qualities. The husband's fear however was that an outside influence could have exploited those differences, the space and the freedom, to bring about the rift, this late in their marriage.
- Which brings us to the deeper issues and the putting of firewood into the marriage fire. When the fire has died, would putting more firewood make any difference?
- At the moment both husband and wife are barely afloat in a ocean of hate, waiting to either drown or being rescued.
He had given her almost complete freedom to pursue her business and other interests. He's used to being left alone, being supportive of her emotional need to work and socialize. Until one day he discovered an incriminating evidence that she was talking (as in txt messaging) to somebody. He was shattered. How could this happen to him? How could she?
Hell hath no fury like a jealous husband. Instead of being calm and collected, he lashed out at her with all his might, his anger management out of the window. She shrank with fright, and later took off, only to return to call it all off. Of course he regretted it all. A little restrain on his part could have made all the difference. But that's what uncontrolled anger does to you.
A broken man, the husband had no more will to live. He wished it was all a bad dream, and that it'll go away.
The wife maintained that she didn't do anything wrong. The husband was not convinced. Her behavior, and her attitude towards him weeks before that made him suspicious. And angry, as his imagination ran wild. He is delaying action and is seeking counsel only because of the following considerations:
- How much is HE at fault for the wife to behave that way?
- How culpable is the wife in doing what she did?
This is necessary to put things in the right perspectives, so that facts remain accurate and fairness maintained:
- It was not the intention to portray the wife in a bad light. She is not a bad person. She may not be a homely person, and often finds happiness outside the home. But she has a heart of gold, and generous to a fault.
- But she is human. May be in times of troubles she found a shoulder to cry on. May be she's had enough of married life and wants to move on - be free again*. And that's okay. All the husband asked is for her to talk about these instead of doing anything behind his back.
- Neither is the husband an angel. He is not the most romantic person on earth, and keeps to himself most of the time. That's why he asked himself and God if it was he who had driven the wife to do what she did. That's why he raised the question of 'culpability'.
- The presence of the third party added a mysterious possibility: did she do it on her own free will, or was she 'under the influence'?
*The husband remembers seeing the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" with the wife, who made no secret that that's what she really wanted to be or do - free, to start life all over again and explore the world, may be find new love. There may or may not be anything to that.